Incontestable Signs You’re Not Ready For Marriage: Why Your Marriage May Crash And What To Do Instead
How do you know a person is ready for marriage?
Think for 2 minutes.
Your guess was wrong. I will prove it shortly.
What I learned in the last 10 months
I’ve learned more ways relationships fail and why exactly they fail. I’ve seen people struggle, hopelessly with their relationships, and I’ve had people say to me, “Paul, I’m done with my marriage.” Yes, in the past 10 months.
I can’t recall the number of people who sought my help, but I cannot forget the one lesson I learned from them all.
The big deal is that most married people were not ready for marriage when they got married. You can’t be too prepared, actually, when it comes to marriage, however, there’s a vital lesson most young people don’t seem to understand.
Nothing robs you of success more than inadequate preparation. Be it in business or relationship, the principle is the same.
It is true, however, that most people adequately prepare for great tasks, except marriage. On the average, people believe that once they become graduates, with a source of income, and are within the range of the ages of 25 – 35 and above, then, they must get married. Sadly, that is what the society teaches. How erroneous!
In my years as a relationship coach, I’ve seen that education and good jobs don’t make people ready for marriage. In fact, finding someone you think you love, or someone who seem to love you, also, does not make you ready for marriage.
Here’s Why Marriages Go Bad
From where I stand, the main reason marriages go bad is not always the absence of love [falling in love is quite easy], but people’s inability to adequately manage love. When love is not well fed and properly nourished, it’ll grow weak, and even die when starved.
Most people don’t have the patience to work on their marriage because they already have an unrealistic and impracticable ideas of “Hollywood” marriage and lifestyle. They expect a faultless partner who must make the marriage work.
The reason is that the real meaning of love and the values of marriage was never understood by most people who profess love.
What Marriage Really Is
Marriage [mar-ri-age] is the ‘age’ or the ‘stage’ of your life when you ‘mend’ what is ‘marred’. Simply, it’s a call to serve [to repair what is damaged in your partner or make their flaws less noticeable]. You won’t find that in any dictionary.
Marriage is meeting the need of the other person. Placing the need of the other person above yours. Seeking the comfort and happiness of the other person. Being vulnerable to the other person. Being sold out to the other person. Being absolutely prepared to create an atmosphere of love irrespective of your feelings.
A lady once told me this: “The way I treat the man in my life depends on how he treats me.”
She’s certainly not ready for marriage if you ask me, because, that mindset would ruin her home. It means they will only be happy when the man’s attitude is positive. And the man’s attitude, I’m sure, will not always be positive.
Every normal human being has a time when they act “abnormal,” this is even more pronounced in marriage. There always will be times when your partner’s attitude would raise questions. You have to, with patience, learn to manage them.
These are not predictable actions, but they happen anyway. You can’t react to everything. In fact, I don’t expect you to react to anything negative if you must have a good marriage. There are smart ways to respond to tough moments in relationships. Check them out here.
Marriage is not logic or intellectual calculations [it is not mathematical where you expect certain results]. It’s not a kind of direct reward system where you pay people for their performance. It’s not about how you feel or what you think. Rather, it’s about ‘making’ love. You have to ‘make’ love, and make the love work. If you don’t, trust me, it won’t work.
You can’t hurt your partner deliberately, for instance, because you feel hurt. You can’t just do things your way because they seem right to you.
A good marriage is not made up of two perfect people who do things right all the time, but two imperfect people who are willing to learn how to make each other happy.
You will get stuck for life if you don’t understand what I just said.
Here’s Exactly What I Mean:
If you always want to have your way, if you can’t place someone else’s needs and desires above yours, if you can’t make sacrifices, if you can’t forgive easily, if you can’t manage your emotions, if you can’t say “I’m sorry” even when you think your partner is wrong, if you can’t take “shits,” if you’re not willing to change and adapt to changes, then, you’re sure, not ready to get married.
This is what you were never told. And, it’s the reason most marriages fail.
Until you arrive at that point, you’re not ready for marriage.
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A Person Who Should Get Married Must Be Matured:
A person must be at least 18+ before marriage, and at that age, still, I don’t encourage people to get married.
A woman should be at least 20 years and a man should at least be 25 years before getting married.
The reason is that, there are things only time an age can teach people. And people must make decisions for themselves, more importantly, they must understand the consequences of their actions, and not just act on their hormones.
A lady must be matured to handle sexual activities and childbirth process without causing damage to her in any way. She must be able to express her sexual feelings as much as the man. And the man, [not a boy] must be able to lead his home without being controlled by his family and friends.
I have coached a lot of people who married very early, and in truth, many of them don’t feel cool right now. They wish they had waited.
Too young people don’t understand patience, commitment, tolerance, forgiveness, and responsibility.
Mental maturity is key in marital success. A person who should get married must be mentally stable. He should be able to manage the pressures of life and still manage his home well. He should be a person of high/strong spirit, not someone who cries and frets at every curve ball life throws.
Some people are best alone. But a person who must marry must know how to live with and care for a partner. It takes a certain mindset to understand that.
Emotionally immature/unstable people are not ready for marriage, because, they are good only at frustrating others. One moment they are happy, the next minute they are unhappy. And they are so unpredictable!
It’s easy to court, you live apart at that stage. It’s very much challenging to live with another person from a different background who shares different life views. You will have more than enough things to get angry about, and some of these things would shake you to your bones. You will have reasons to react negatively and this might happen often, especially at the early stage of a marriage.
You must be emotionally sound to handle it.
Emotionally immature people cannot resist temptation. They must have sex the minute they have the urge. They will sleep with the house help if ‘madam’ is not around and turn to porn once no one is available.
In fact, you should not marry someone who cannot manage his emotions. Whether he gets too angry, he’s addicted to sex or he shuts out too often.
What such people need is not marriage, it’s self-development and serious prayers.
Life is spiritual, take it or leave it.
Whether you like it or not, there are forces that fight against homes and marriages. The devil is out to destroy the family and its values. You will agree with me that all the problems we are faced with today have roots in the family.
The kidnappers, prostitutes, homosexuals, robbers, fraudsters, etc. are products of the family. I think the world’s biggest problem is the loss of family values.
Having said that, a person who must get married must be ready to partner with God. He has to be spiritually sound, enough to lead the family in the way of the Lord. The children must, at their tender age, be trained in a godly way.
Let me give you a secret; don’t marry a person who does not love God. That individual cannot love you properly.
80% of family conflicts emanates from the lack of money. Couples have more issues when they have no money.
Here’s the point, you should not marry if you don’t have a source of income to take care of your family.
If you’re reading this as a lady, I strongly advise you don’t marry a man who is without a job, and who is not working hard to get one. Not because you don’t love him, but because you love him enough to help keep his ego afloat. And he needs money to do that.
Money is required to stay in love. Plenty of it is needed in marriage.
I’m not saying you should marry for money, what I suggest is that you should have a source or sources of income.
Marriage Is Influence.
What you give is ultimately what you get. Positive influence brings positive results, ultimately. You must stick to what works for your relationship, no matter how stupid it sounds to others.
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