Privacy Between Lovers: The Myths, The Limits And The Limitation
Is it right to occasionally snoop on one’s spouse?
This post is quite sensitive and highly debatable. You have the right to your views and beliefs and you should freely express them. You should ensure that your country’s law permits you to practice the author’s assertion.
I was recently at a Relationship Conference where I talked on how lovers could help each other stay in love in a crowded and distractive world.
One of my propositions was that lovers should snoop [as in try to find out what their partner’s private life has been, and of course, it includes to figure out their new friends, see their message history, their social media conversations, their call log, etc.] on each other occasionally, and I gave reasons.
I stated that infidelity does not happen in a day; it begins with opposite sexes, first, being friends, and sometimes with sincere motives. But when people are not checked, at times they go astray, maybe not intentionally or for complex reasons.
For example, I have counselled some young people at different times who told me they lost their dads to some strange women while their mum was alive and well. Before they could blink their eyes, the men moved out of the house, abandoned their wives and children and moved in with the other women.
A young man, in the middle of my presentation, raised is hand and asked if I was trying to say that I support spouses checking each other’s phones.
“Well, yes, somehow,” I responded.
He expressed his disappointment, told me it was a ‘horrible idea,’ that lovers are NOT meant to pry on themselves. He talked about love and trust and he went on and on.
I took him through series of my coaching experiences and some ugly scenes, which could have been prevented had a little check been made, and I ended by telling him that snooping a lover isn’t always a sign of distrust, but sometimes a sign of love and care. You love them to want to keep them from being distracted and you care to know they are faithful to you.
Some people at that conference said they read it is bad while others said they just don’t like the idea.
The truth however is, love and trust are the foundations of great relationships, however, they also empower the other person to play games.
People snoop for different reasons, especially when there are flying red flags. Sometimes you don’t see anything, your instinct or intuition would just nudge you to snoop.
Should spouses really snoop?
I think it is cool… Clarity begets openness, and openness begets trust while trust begets commitment and love.
Let me ask, are you hiding something from your spouse? Did you say no? Then you shouldn’t stop your lover from snooping.
Do you know that more than 50% of those in relationships [married, engaged, courting or dating] have extra affairs?
Do you know that a cheat has more than five friends who also are cheats?
How do you abate these? How would you, at least, make an effort to save your heart and your relationship? The least you want to do is to help your lover.
Now, let me ask you, sincerely…
Should there at all be privacy between lovers?
Did you just say yes? I believe on the contrary.
I think people who advocate for privacy between lovers have things to hide, really. If you don’t have something to hide from your lover, what do you need privacy for?
Do we hide or feel fear when we have not sinned? Why can’t your lover pick up and peruse your phones, and even answer some of your calls at will? Why not?
I’m not done with this… I will get back to it shortly.
I recently counselled some people who were badly hurt! As in, badly hurt!
Two ladies and a guy.
1. Her boyfriend got married to another lady without her knowledge. Meaning he had the other lady all along.
2. Her husband-to-be dumped her and took another lady into his apartment the following week. Well, I want to believe he didn’t meet the lady just after the separation.
3. His girlfriend got pregnant for another guy. The other guy obviously must have been sleeping with her, maybe there were many others.
They all agreed they didn’t see it coming, plus, they never checked their lover’s phones.
Now, listen well…
Your lover needs to grow alone as much as you two grow together. Your lover needs time to be alone, time to be with his/her friends, time to do whatever makes him/her happy.
That is privacy.
I have coached a good number of persons, I have counselled lots of people and I’ve done over 23 different pieces of research on the subject of infidelity and this privacy thing.
I can tell you this; a good relationship is an open relationship where no secret or any form of privacy exists. The more you shut your lover out, the more curious they become and the faster your relationship will go bad.
If there is any form of privacy in a relationship, where lovers cannot freely relate with each other’s ‘THINGS,’ there sure is an impending danger.
Is it right to occasionally snoop on your lover?
Again, the answer is yes, occasionally. And ‘occasions’ don’t always happen; you know that, right?
You should do it because you love your spouse and you care about their private life. And you should allow it because you have nothing to hide.
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