I’ve been on the lookout for the solution to relationship challenges for many years. My thought was, relationship problems should have unique solutions, which formed my belief that advanced relationship knowledge is required to solve complex relationship issues.

However, I was wrong! Relationship problems actually have the same solution. I’d tell you more shortly.

Read And Perhaps, Learn

I’ve always been the magnetic guy. In a re-statement, I’ve always had my way around people, especially with the opposite sex.

When people see me from afar, they want to relate with me, they want to be friends with me, they want to love me. I mastered the power of charm early enough; there was however something vital I didn’t understand. Here it is…

The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. – Peter De Vries

What shapes relationships isn’t the personality, but the character, which is what many people lack. The unimportant thing is often what we fall in love with, too bad.

Over time, I discovered my compelling personality couldn’t keep people. Some of my relationships didn’t last six months – I was either caught cheating [not necessarily sleeping around], overreacting, yelling, saying corrosive or heartbreaking words or I’d just screw up in other ways.

The underlying factor is, I lacked the aptitude, character and the lifestyle required to maintain smooth relationships. It was super easy to make people like me, I just couldn’t keep them.

The Incontestable       

Let me establish a fact here: if you fall in love with someone’s personality, you’d definitely discover a different person when you eventually marry him/her. It has been the root of marital crisis. ‘My spouse has changed,’ you might say or you hear people say. He/she didn’t change, they’ve been that way, you’ve however been more concerned about their public display.

The truth is, most people live a fake public life; they front their personality. And that’s why the maxim, ‘All that glitters is not gold’ stands true. 

It’s the same reason I often encourage people to give their relationships time. Enough time to bring out their lover’s character.

I could look back to my past relationships now and tell you why they failed, maybe it’s the same reason your relationship isn’t working:

#1. I cheated [again, not necessarily sleeping around]. You know how it is with most smart folks; they just want to explore! And no serious minded person would want to keep up with a cheat.

Many people cheat in their relationships, and it’s the root of most relationship tussles. In fact, a recent research I made reveals it’s the number one reason relationships go bad.

#2. I played the blame game. We don’t like to take responsibility for our relationship challenges. We point accusing fingers to our lovers while we exonerate ourselves.

It’s very easy to blame people, especially our lovers, we just see them as the problem. The truth,however, is, we always have inputs in every problem we have with our lovers.  In fact, most times, we push our lovers into doing what hurts us. We inspire and catalyse their actions. What we get is usually what we give. In other words, our lovers are only a mirror reflection of who we are.

#3. I was impatient. I wanted my lovers to live a particular lifestyle, the one I thought was best for them. I wanted them to think like me, be smart like me, act like me, and do things the way I’d do them.

I didn’t give them the chance to grow and learn. I didn’t allow them live their own life. I thought I was right and most people do the same.

There’s actually no right and wrong in relationships. The right thing is what works for you two, and the wrong thing is what isn’t working. You can’t be right and your lover can’t be wrong. You always have to maintain the middle ground.

#4. I was selfish. I was always in quest of my interests, always thinking of myself and what I’d achieve. I didn’t think of how I could move my lovers forward and help them achieve their own dreams.

Most people don’t involve their lovers in their plans. They are mostly focused on achieving great things alone.

#5. I was inflexible. I had difficulties resolving conflicts because it was hard for me to say ‘I’m sorry,’ especially when I felt I wasn’t wrong. But, does that make me right? Has it helped me in any way? If my lover isn’t happy, do I have the slightest chance of being happy?

Yet, I’d wait for them to apologize first and resolve issues with me. Sometimes we could have unresolved issues for two or three days, leaving both of us frustrated. Even when they would want to make-up, I still would not make it easy.

#6. I was careless. I didn’t pay keen attention to what was important to my lovers. I didn’t listen to their complaints and their deep heart desires. I treated them the way I wanted to be treated. But, they weren’t me; we didn’t share the same likes, they didn’t even want some things I desired.

#7. I was unappreciative. For many years, I took business mindset into my relationships. I believed in results, and no excuse whatsoever was acceptable for not getting the right results.

Whenever my lovers tried things, even when their intention was to help me, as long as they didn’t get results, I wouldn’t appreciate them. And I’d bluntly tell them, ‘I don’t take excuses, but results.’ This left many of them helplessly frustrated.

The Discovery

I was foolish for many years. I thought I loved, but I didn’t. I only took a ride, all by myself. Then…

I learned love involves two people who are yoked together, who think for each other, listen to each other, help each other, bear each other’s pain, and most importantly, stay committed to each other.

Do you know what I found? Love is the only solution to relationship problems. I don’t care how you define it or what name you call it. Love is the solution; it conquers all!

Do what you did at the beginning of a relationship and there won’t be an end. – Anthony Robbins

When we begin to love less, we’d begin to have more problems. And when the reverse happens, we’d begin to have fewer problems.

Complaining, cheating, being right, accusing our lover, unforgiving, hate, hurt, etc. becomes pronounced when love has lost its weight.

Love is patient, it forgives, it listens, it helps, it allows the other person to grow, and it gives excuses for the other person. It wants to help the other person. Love doesn’t complain always because it believes in the other person.

You know how it was when you first met your lover, how it was not possible for them to err, how you forgave them before they sinned. You remember how you always wanted to please them and make them happy, how they were flawless and faultless, you remember, right?

That was love. And if you want to keep your relationship in the pink, you have to go back to that era and live in it.

Love does one thing…

It loves!

And the solution to every relationship problem is love.

If you think you’re in love, maybe you should check the constraints you place on your love; because love cannot be guided by rules and regulations – it has to flow. And you would not experience the best of your lover if your words are laws!

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