I get asked almost every day – Paul, what’s your ground relationship rule? Paul, what’s the one thing you recommend for great relationships? Paul, how do I make my budding relationship awesome? Paul, how do I make my lover love me more? Paul, how do I restore bliss and romance in my relationship? Paul, how do I…

Look, when instinct fails, people come out to ask questions. And of course, they want a magical and instantaneous solution. But, changes in relationships take time. They require simple, but consistent right steps. However, doing the right is very difficult for most people.

It’s amazing how two people who profess love would get things mixed up, and eventually fall out of love. Every relationship has its twists, and the reason some people lose good relationships is not all due to the absence of love, but mainly their inability to manage their emotions. “She got me angry. He provoked me. I felt neglected. She seduced me. She yelled at me. He left me stranded. She walked out on me, etc.” are some reasons people give for hurting their relationships.

I’ve come to realise that, the most important things in relationships are the consistent little things. And not the one time big stuff.

Are you fond of giving excuses? Do you walk too fast, leaving your lover behind? Did you give more attention to the new lady at the meeting than you gave your lover? Do you forget your lover’s important dates? Do you raise your voice whenever you get angry with your lover? Do you leave without saying goodbye when you feel offended? Are you fond of calling your lover names when you’re angry? Did you keep your lover waiting the last time you went shopping? Did you break your promise again? Were you caught messing around again?

These Things Matter!

Sometimes people who have the power to love strongly also have the ability to easily fall out of love. 

Here Are 10 Things You Should Think Deeply About:

#10. Understand That Your Lover Has The Right To His Or Her Views. Even if they are stupid to you, they are however valid to your lover and that makes them valid.

This is where most lovers get things wrong – they know what is right, while their lover’s views are always wrong. They easily forget that every man is right in his own eyes.

You see, a good relationship would have to be in equipoise. Your lover’s opinion is as right to him or her as yours is to you. The earlier you understand this, the better and less stressful your love life would be.  That you don’t agree with your lover doesn’t make your lover wrong. And you’re not right either, at least, from your lover’s perspective.

You must learn to always give ears to your lover’s opinions. And you must make them understand your views. And yes, they must not feel stupid or less.


#9. Ask Questions When Things Go Wrong: Don’t form opinions, don’t bottle up your anger, don’t reach conclusion, don’t link an issue to past issues, don’t start acting up, don’t go cold or become unnecessarily quiet, and don’t analyse anything. Just Ask Questions.

Honey, why did you do that? Why did you say that? When you said so, so, and so, what was your meaning?

Don’t ask in a cynical way, don’t raise your voice and don’t ask like you don’t need an answer. Gently… ask: why did you do that/ why didn’t you tell me or ask me first? What do you mean/what is your reason? How did it happen? When did it happen? Who else did you discuss it with? Etc.

Give your lover time to explain. Don’t cut them off. Let them clear the air. You might just discover the whole thing was a big misunderstanding.


#8. Say How You Feel Without Crossing The Line

Do you feel neglected? Do you feel cheated on? Do you feel embarrassed? Do you feel used, abandoned, or isolated?

Are you angry about anything? Say it. It’s ok not to be ok, and it’s ok to say exactly how you feel. But, don’t cross the line.

Do you feel your lover is cheating? Do you think he or she’s not serious about the relationship? Say it!

No name calling. No raising of voice. No comparison with other friends. No judgment of any kind. No insult. No threats. And no ultimatum. Just discuss.

Ask questions, wait for responses and reach a conclusion.


#7. You Don’t Want To Break Up.

You have to learn to deal with issues and not your lover. Don’t punish your lover, they are not your enemy. Don’t hurt them deliberately because you feel hurt, it’s needless. And you’re not going to get your desired result that way, I can assure you.

You need to understand that issues will eventually be resolved, especially for couples who don’t believe in divorce and singles that are besotted to each other. But, hurtful words don’t get erased easily.

Don’t mention break up unless you’re ready for it, and you must not give an ultimatum. It won’t work, trust me. You might end up regretting afterwards.

Whatever happens, remember you only have issues to settle, you don’t want to break up. So, don’t take things to the extreme. And don’t forget; your aim is to resolve the conflict. So, you must channel your energy in that direction.

Hit a common ground, settle your differences.


#6. Don’t Give Rules

We are often tempted to quickly drop the ‘101 rules of loving me.’ We want to state everything we hate, the things we cannot tolerate and the ones we love. Oddly, we expect our lover to live by those rules.  

But, each time we do that, we leave ourselves in a fix, we frustrate our lover, and in the end, ourselves.

In as much as we want people to love us in our unique ways, we must not forget to allow them to learn and grow into loving us. We should let the love flow naturally, let them love us their own way, the best way they can, then, gradually, we teach them our preferences. 

When there are laws, there’s bound to be sin. And more laws will bring more sins. Your lover cannot be guided by your rules and laws. It won’t work.

When you give him/her the room to simply love you, anyhow, eventually, there will be no need for rules, because true love will always or mostly want to have you pleased.


#5. Don’t Force Your Lover To Change. Let them be willing to do it.

Have you ever caught your lover doing something wrong? After you made so much trouble, did they change? No, most likely.

Have you ever made so much noise about your lover changing an aspect of his/her life? Was it easy? Did they change?

If you ever want to be happy, don’t force your lover to do anything, it won’t work. As humans, we dislike being forced to do anything, we resist it. And when people become overwhelmed with the pressure to change, they would lack the needed power/energy to stay committed to it. That’s the reason after a week or so, the story becomes the same. 

Your role is to talk to your spouse or lover. Tell them why they need to change. Then keep encouraging them by doing the right thing. You can’t stop your lover from doing wrong by doing things the wrong way yourself. 

We have learnt to believe that when we take things ‘hot’, people would show us some respect. Well, it doesn’t work in relationships.

Whatever happens…

#4. Don’t Blame Your Lover When They Are Already Feeling Hurt.

This is something you should know; whenever your lover is hurt, don’t blame them. Encourage them where necessary, apologise when you need to, and listen when you have to. Just don’t blame them for anything when they are hurt.

The best time to correct people in relationship is when they are happy. Not when they are already feeling bad.


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#3 Don’t Always Offer Solutions.

As a rule, you must learn to listen to your lover whenever they have something to say. And you should understand why they are talking to you in the first place, before you say anything.

That makes you a smart lover.

Sometimes, all your lover needs is attention, affection, connection, support, not solution.

Don’t be quick to tell them what they did wrong, and what they should have done instead. Don’t blame them for doing the wrong thing [they know it too]. Rather, encourage them. Remind them there will be other opportunities. Tell them they tried their best.

You can even blame it on the society or the ‘bad’ system. Your lover seeks to feel good, and that’s your responsibility. Be smart!


#2. Don’t Stop Doing Those Little Sweet Things You Did At The Beginning Of The Relationship.

Do you wake up to drop your lover some sweet notes? Do you sometimes write on the mirror for them to see when dressing up? Do you sometimes call at night just to know how they feel? Do you give surprises? Do you buy gifts? Do you take them out? Do you often express your love?

Do you still do those little things that made your lover fall in love?

You shouldn’t stop.

In fact, you should do more. If you want your relationship to be the way it used to be, then you should learn to do those things you used to do. It’s still the same person. What have changed are your actions. And that can change your lover as well.


#1. Help Your Lover To Love You.

We often think our lover holds the key to our happiness. But, it is not true. The truth is, we hold the key.  Do you know you are going to be happy as well when you make your lover happy? The reverse is also true.

Have you noticed there are certain days or time when you do certain things and they really drive your lover crazy? Can you remember any of such moments?

Now, what if you keep those love inducing acts up? Your lover will always be happy and you too will, right? So, who holds the key to your happiness?

There are certain acts that automatically would break your lover’s love vault.

There’s a way you can reach the deepest part of your love’s heart.

Certain key words

Certain magical touches

Certain breathtaking acts of love

Those sweet mannerisms

There’s always a button, the right button to press. Hit it and your lover would be helpless.

Conclusively: Love is like a child. It will grow strong if it is well nurtured. And yes, it will die when starved. Actions have predictable consequences.

I hope it helps?

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