I’ve helped a lot of people with their relationships for many years. And it’s amazing that most married individuals have regrets.  In fact, a private study I made shows that some married folks [a lot actually] wish they’d have the opportunity to choose again. But then, young people come to me often for advice, and eventually would do the very thing I counsel them against.

I can state clearly that bad marriages almost always have the same initial stages – a fault in relationship/courtship. Most people with bad marriages would admit they knew something was wrong with the relationship but turned blind eyes.

You might not lose your life, [and you might] if you end up in a toxic marriage, but, you sure will not be happy for it. If you want to avoid a bad marriage, you must not manage a bad relationship. Look, it’s better to be single than end up in a very bad marriage.

The following are not good signs at all. They might appear mild or insignificant at the beginning, but, trust me, they would leave you unhappy. As much as possible, avoid these set of people:

#1. People Who Cannot Make Decisions On Their Own. But Paul, what’s exactly wrong here? Let’s assume you said that. But really, can’t you see it? Let me help you.

Isn’t marriage meant for adults – people who have the power to drive and exert their own will? There are people who depend on others entirely for motivation. They run their relationships by what their parents, friends or close associates tell them. Whatever these people condemn would never be right. Such people don’t care about what their lover thinks or how they feel; they seek validation from others. They can’t make firm decisions on important things.

The Implication of this is that your relationship would be crowded. And your lover, more than anything else would live to please people at the detriment of your happiness. The standard of your relationship would be set by others. And trust me; you’re going to hate it.

#2. People Who Are Financially Dependent. “Money would not be an issue;” I’ve heard young people say. How wrong! From experience as a coach, the biggest challenge married people have emanates from financial mismanagement. It’s either one spends in excess, the other over demands or someone is not making enough money. And as little as these are, they are capable of making things go really bad.

Paul, are you saying people should marry for money? Well, not at all. Don’t get me wrong. But, why would a man be married and he’s not capable of taking care of his family? Don’t you think it’s not right?

Listen, I often advice ladies not to marry lazy men – men who are without a job and who are not working hard to get one.  If a man is really the head, then, he must be able to take care of his family. It’s okay if he’s struggling, but definitely not okay if he’s idling around and hoping for a miracle. In fact, a man who is without a job/business should not marry.

The Implication of this is that you will argue a lot with your spouse because you will account for every penny spent. And you know; nothing would cause a rift faster than in a marriage. Men who are broke are often hostile because their ego is on the line.

#3. People Who Feel Insecure. This, perhaps, is the biggest problem anyone would face in marriage. These people have low confidence and low self-esteem, which makes them competitive. They feel socially inadequate, which explains why they seek validation from others and would worry about other’s opinions or remarks. And if you’re a step ahead, well, it won’t go well as they would leave you frustrated. The self-doubting person also doubts everything, or almost anything you say. They would even accuse you of extra marital affairs should they ever sight you with the opposite sex. They would frequently check your phones, mails and diaries in order to find evidence.

They fear their lover would find a better person. This is why they get mad and jealous when they see their lover with the opposite sex. And yes, they will assault, abuse and bully those around them in order to feel in control. These people find it hard to love, as they are often controlling and domineering.

The implication of this is that you might never truly understand your spouse or be able to predict their stunts. No matter how much lover you shower on them, you would often not get it back. And this will always make you feel drained emotionally.

#4. People Who Depend Largely On Friends And Family. Is it wrong to depend on friends and family, Paul? Well, no, it’s cool, really. Read that line again. It reads People Who Depend Largely On Friends And Family. Ever heard of mummy’s boys or daddy’s girls? Yes, they take orders directly from mummy and daddy and there’s nothing a lover/spouse would do about it. Even when your in-laws call you out to insult and embarrass you, your lover would not dare take your side.

My dad said…

Mum said…

This is how we do it in our family…

 This is how my family wants it, etc. would be heard frequently from such people. Your relationship/marriage will always be secondary.

The Implication of this is that your relationship would be under undue stress if people who are meant to be outside your relationship are in it. Your lover would not be able to confront and caution their family members when they cross the line, and trust me, they always will. Furthermore, your in-laws would practically control your marriage. Marriage is for two people and two people alone. Third party’s influence, whatsoever, should be discouraged.

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#5. People Who Cannot Stimulate You Mentally And Emotionally. Above all things, I’d like to look at my spouse any time and lust after her, because I love good looking women. I love women who are very expressional, with exceptional ability to use words. I love women who can arouse my feelings with words and action. I love daring women – those who will face life with absolute courage. I love women who will stimulate me to succeed. For me, I can’t cope with the average.

There are women who believe their body is all they have to offer. I cannot cope with such people, no matter how nice they are. You see, being nice is not enough for people like me. I need someone who is tough and smart. Someone with a strong will, and a good sense of purpose.

Look, you need to connect, and relate with your spouse on deep mental and emotional issues. As much as you always need a good sexual intercourse, trust me, you also need intellectual intercourse from time to time. You need someone who would drive your wheel and spur you to action, of course at your level.

The Implication of this is that both of you will spend most of your time apart if you cannot drive each other. And your communication line would suffer. But when you learn how to stimulate each other to passion, then you will almost always be together.

#6. People Who Don’t Appeal To You Physically. There are people who preach the gospel of inner beauty, well, that’s excellent! But they should understand people don’t walk around with X-rays eyes. The first point of connection is always the physical attraction. Why should I even bother to know someone who is not attracted to me? As a lady, you must learn how to be irresistible, with impeccable character. But first, with a killer dress sense, because, the way you dress will determine who will address you and how you will be addressed.

The real point of note is that you should not marry someone who does not appeal to you physically. Are they too short, too tall, too fat, or too slim for you? Do they have something you dislike on their body? Then don’t marry them if you don’t find them attractive.

Do you like slim women with killer curves? Do you like tall, dark guys? Go for them!

The Implication of this is that your love life would be at risk if you marry someone whose charm you don’t revere. The truth is that love can grow weak and even die. And the chance is high with people who are not attracted to each other physically. The other thing is that you will not be proud of your spouse; therefore showing them off would be a problem. And yes, your lover would sense it. If this is not well managed, it would break your marriage.

#7. People Who Don’t Complement You. This simply means you should not marry people who project your flaws and make your life terrible. A good spouse would be the one who helps you manage your inadequacies; someone who brings out your best even in your worst state, someone who makes you look better than you really are.

In fact, any relationship that does not make your life better is not a good one. When two good minds and hearts come together, they should become a master-mind, and hence do great things that individually would be impossible to achieve.

Don’t marry someone who takes your [time, body, money, knowledge, connection, etc.] always from you without making your life better in any way; someone who leaves you mentally and emotionally drained, someone who makes your life of little worth.

The Implication of this is that you might never make your dreams real if you marry someone would drive you away from your dream and drain your passion. Especially if you’re career individual. We all need someone to push us. And who will do that better than your spouse?

That’s enough to chew at once. Let me end by saying actions have consequences. Some things might not take your life actually; they might however take away your happiness, fulfillment and dreams. Be smart!

Speak Your Mind: Do you think people should marry, and then work hard to change their lover or they should wait to marry their specs?

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