How Telling ‘The Truth’ Can [Utterly] Destroy Your Relationship And What To Do Instead.
Ever seen this amazing nursery rhyme? It goes like this:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
It is used to help children develop a thick skin against ‘name calling.’ It makes them believe words don’t hurt.
But let me ask you, is that really true? Would you say words don’t hurt?
Let’s get back to that in three minutes.
Now quickly, let’s talk about ‘telling the truth’ and how it affects your relationship.
First, what do I mean by ‘telling the truth?’ Simply, saying things the exact way they are: being very blunt or forthright.
That doesn’t sound bad, does it?
But, is that healthy for relationships?
You will decide for yourself shortly. Let me reveal something to you.
Words Make And Break Us
Basic relationship problems emanate from what people say. In a restatement, wrongly expressed words are the basic instruments that sabotage relationships, especially denigratory words.
Lovers often say noxious words, sometimes out of anger, but always in the name of ‘telling the truth.’
Joe: ‘You’re the worst person I’ve ever met, Jane. You’re short, fat, slow, ugly, bad tempered and poor at managing people. No wonder you never had a stable relationship. Who will stay with a girl with so many flaws?
You know what? I regret I met you. You’re a complete waste of time, a bad investment.’
Imagine you’re Jane.
Maureen: ‘Mr know it all!’ You’re good only at giving orders and making complaints. But, you’re a broke ass. A complete jerk!
What good man will not work hard to make money, Maurice? I work hard to take care of us but you never appreciate me. Rather, you choose to keep running after Morenike. You’re such a loser! A user!
It was a great mistake hanging with you altogether. I’m done and I’m dumping your broke and pathetic ass!
Imagine you’re Maurice.
Mom: Do you know exactly how you look in that dress? A monkey! Yes, you look like a monkey. Is that what you’ve been doing all day? And you kept us waiting?
I’m so sorry for you, Rose. You cannot pass your exams. You’re ugly and you don’t even know how to make good foods.
Who will marry you with these? Men love smart and beautiful women and you’re neither.
Leave my presence this minute! You ugly fool!
Imagine you’re Rose.
In many years of being a relationship coach, the worst set of lovers I’ve seen are the very blunt [the uncompromisingly forthright] and over confident ones – these people won’t consider your feelings before they make astringent remarks about you.
“Joe, your mouth smells horrible. Sorry, I can’t kiss you.”
“Jane, you look ugly when you smile. I’ve told you not to smile any time you want to take snapshots.”
“You mean you can’t get this right? I’m so ashamed of you. Idiot”
“Why do you speak like that all the time? I’ve told you I hate to see you speak from the corner of your mouth. You irritate me, fool!”
Blunt people love to prove they can’t be messed with. They love to ‘payback’ when they are hurt. They love to be in charge. They love to argue a lot and are very opinionated. They never lose arguments. In other words, they are always right.
A good relationship is one you’re completely yourself around your partner and vice versa.
If your partner isn’t feeling cool around you – if they are shy to discuss or do certain things with you, if they are scared of doing stuff in your presence, then it’s your fault.
You must have done/said something that negatively stuck to their mind and have sucked off their confidence or trust. You might have forgotten, but they never will.
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Words don’t just hurt; they break the heart and crush the bones! Especially when they come from the people you love or those you hold very high.
What do you get from breaking your partner’s heart?
It is absolute foolishness to say terrible things to your partner because they are true.
Your lover has a bad voice. She’s fat, and he’s broke. Whatever!
You think they are not aware?
Oh, well, they certainly do. And they hate to be reminded in a cynical way. They hate to be a jest at. We all hate it.
An argument can be resolved, but hurtful words cannot be reversed.
Your lover might never smile again, whether with you or in public. They can lose the courage to kiss you forever. They can even lose their confidence and might never be free around you again.
Your words mean the world to your lover. And that’s the reason they always want to know how you feel and what you think on key issues.
Being blunt will get you nowhere. It will kill your relationship and check your lover out emotionally.
Love is all about emotions and words are the driving force.
The Role Of Diplomacy In Relationship Management
Diplomacy is highly needed in relationships. It is stating the obvious without being offensive.
Instead of saying: ‘you look very ugly when you smile on camera,’ you should say: ‘baby, you look gorgeous when you frown on camera [lol] or when you don’t smile at all. Has anyone ever told you? Try the next shot without a smile.’
Generally, you must not call your partner names except endearment. Name calling is very much insulting and highly unappreciated.
You can buy perfume for your lover if you don’t like how they smell. And you can diplomatically tell him/her to bath/brush more often.
If your spouse loves to kiss every morning and you don’t like the breath, you can get some mint sweets and keep beside your bed.
Speaking the truth [by saying derogatory words] in relationships is unhealthy because ‘truths’ don’t keep people in fine spirit.
There’s always a milder and less provocative way of saying things. Find that way, walk in it and your relationship will not go bad.
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