Great relationships are products of patience and commitment. Being the vulnerable ultimately makes relationships blissful. However, it takes courage and determination.

Let me share with you what someone shared with me:

“Thank you so much for that wonderful session on dealing with a tough/negative spouse.

My husband frequently walks around with a ‘black cloud’ over his head. He is always crossing boundaries of privacy and thinks I am difficult to talk to.

I reply a lot with ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ or I will make an effort to be aware of my tone. I then go on with the next thing I have to do.

I no longer try to talk him out of his depression because I have no control over his thoughts and feelings. He is excessively emotional dependent.

He goes to therapy but tells me he never knows what to talk about. That is his business and I can’t give him a list of his shortcomings to discuss. There are some times when he seems ok and I look forward to those times. In between, I call my friends a lot for last minute lunch or coffee dates or I call someone I trust to reason it out.

I refuse to let him ruin my serenity but sometimes it’s difficult.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.”

Can you relate with that account?

Let’s call her Pauline. I’d show you shortly what she has been doing wrong and how to restore such relationships. 

Do you find it almost impossible to please your spouse? Do you disagree and argue about most issues? Does your spouse frequently check out emotionally?

This will help.

Connection and passion don’t last forever. At times they get eroded. But like food, they can be made by the right set of actions. [Tweet That]

First, you should understand you’re NOT the problem. You’re the solution… Your spouse’s solution. And your moves/action should steer towards saving your relationship/marriage. If your aim is to save your relationship, then you must… 

#1. Understand the mind-set of most difficult people.

Why are some people negative/difficult?

Well, there cannot be a simple answer to that question. Some negative people are depressed – deeply pressed. Pressed by life’s challenges, and maybe by your actions. Some folks become very sensitive when they have arduous responsibilities, thereby overreacting to issues. Some ‘damaged’ people become suspicious, hot tempered and insensitive.  

Difficult people often seek emotional substantiation. They seek connection by domination [sometimes they feel insecure and it explains why they always want to have things done their way. They can’t stand rejection and their perceptions are false].

Living with difficult people can be frustrating. However, you need to…   

#2. Understand why they became difficult.

Conflict is a friction that results from differences in perspectives. And the right question to ask is: what is my spouse’s viewpoint?

What is my lover craving for?

This can be tricky. At times, you feel your lover should be responsible for their actions and behaviours. You feel they should be emotionally independent. But you actually anchor your lover’s behaviours and your validation is what they mostly seek.  

Your lover acts cool around every other person except with you, simply because you directly affect them.

Does your lover want more of your time? Do they have issues with your being close with/to an opposite sex? Do they complain about some of your friends and relatives?

What exactly is your lover’s MAIN concern? 

Do they feel threatened by your actions?

Do they have external challenges?

Do they drink now? Why?

Do they have extra affairs now? Why?

Do they avoid contact with you? Why?

Do they keep late now? Why?

The right question to ask is; what is my spouse looking for? What are they not getting from our relationship?

Understanding the problem is key to finding the solution. Find the problem, but…

#3. Don’t discuss the problem.

Not with friends, family or even with your spouse.

I know it’s against what you might have been told, but, it works. 

You’ve brought your spouse hooked on chats that mostly resulted to argument. You’ve tried the silent treatment, you deprived them of some rights, you’ve tried the withdrawal method and perhaps, you’ve seen a counsellor. At times you ask your spouse to repeat statements and explain their meaning, claiming you do not want to assume. Has it changed anything?

Has your spouse changed? You know better.

Here’s the reason:

Talking doesn’t change anything, no matter how sweet or electrifying they are. There’s only one thing that works, and that is to…

Take responsibility!

Take action. Initiate the change you want to see. Start the culture, create the values you desire and infuse your relationship with positive energy.

You see, action begets action, and the right action does wonder. Change also begets change, and the right change brings the right result. Your only chance is to…

Give your spouse what they want!

In every great relationship, one of the duos must always be vulnerable. [Tweet That]

If you ever seek the solution to your relationship problems [especially if you’re married], you have it now. Just give in to your spouse’s demand. [As long as it’s legal and it’s not going to jeopardise your life].

Does your lover want you to stop certain habits? Then stop them. You keep having issues because they either want you to STOP or START doing certain things. Whatever it is, just do it! And…

#4. Don’t explain your actions [unless you’re asked to do so].

Now, it’s important that you understand this. Arguments have two major harbingers.

a. When you call your spouse to discuss your relationship problems. And I’ve asked you to stop doing it until your relationship is restored. Do what they want instead.

b. When you try to explain your actions.

Each time you try to explain why you did what hurts your spouse, you’re trying to either justify the action or directly/indirectly blame your spouse. And neither will pacify your spouse.

The smart thing to do anytime your spouse gets hurt by your action [whether it is logical or not] is simply to apologise, sincerely [sincerity can be perceived]. Let your lover vent, and then you sincerely apologise. Superficial apologies won’t change anything. 

The time to explain your action is NOT when your lover is angry, but when they are at peace with you.     

Vulnerability in relationships does not mean weakness. It means strength; it’s the key ingredient that keeps relationships in the pink. [Tweet That]. Then…

#5. Don’t seek to be right [seek to make your relationship right instead].

The concept of right and wrong is always relative – it depends more on you than what the issue really is. And most times you don’t see things the same way as your spouse.

You can’t be all right and your spouse cannot be all wrong.

This can be tricky too. What is right is what works for your relationship, even if it’s termed ‘stupid’ by other people. You must understand that relationship is emotional [how your lover feels], not logical [what people think]. 

An action is right if it makes your relationship right. And it’s wrong if it makes your relationship unpleasant.

#6. Seek help.

You should seek help if your relationship is failing faster than you can control.

Look for a good counsellor and get help. A good counsellor will hold you by the hand and show you ‘how to save’ your relationship/marriage.

You should understand that a lot of conventional practices won’t work. You need specific [proven] actions with predictable results.

I have a FREE book, “7 Acts Of great Relationships.” It has enjoyed massive downloads and has awesome positive reviews. You should download it and read immediately.

I also offer premium relationship counseling sessions. Connect with me on BBM channel via this link: or pin: C00183DE4.


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