I’ve had to help people move on. Some, after they got dumped. Others, after they dumped their lovers. Either way, it wasn’t easy. Walking out of someone you had a romantic relationship with, or someone you were emotionally attached to won’t be easy for anyone. That’s the truth.

What makes it difficult is that love isn’t logical, it’s emotional. The feeling is really crazy – one minute it makes you laugh, the next minute, it makes you cry. At times you just can’t explain how you feel. Being in love triggers oxytocin, which is responsible for the feeling of love, attachment, happiness, excitement and connection. It’s the reason you always want to be around your lover.

Being dumped does the exact opposite, of course, with the help of a different hormone, cortisol. The feeling of ‘detached’ from a loved one triggers the release of cortisol, which makes you feel stressed, and of course, depressed. It’s the reason nothing else matters after your lover walked out of your life.

Get The Fact

Your feelings are triggered by your thoughts. And your thoughts are powered by what your focus is on. The moment one is altered, the other is automatically affected! Therefore, you can change how you feel and respond accordingly in seconds by changing your focus and thoughts.

I should state it here that breaking up is not absolutely the reason you’re freaking out. The actual reason you’re freaking out after a break up is largely due to what meaning you attached to the break up. Let me explain.

If you focus on how hard it would be to get another lover, how much you’ve invested in the relationship or how many more years you’d have to wait, then you’re going to feel immense pain and it will take a long time to get heal up.

If you however focus on the fact that the relationship was bad after all, and leaving a bad relationship is better than having a bad marriage, you’d feel better and heal up fast.

If you focus also, on the point that God saved you from a great future danger, and that He orchestrated the break up in order to guide you into a better relationship, you’re going to wave it off quickly without freaking out.

Hey, I’m not in any way asserting that you’d feel no pain, however, you can regulate how you feel and how much time you spend having such feelings.

Let me walk you through the process:

#1. Let out the emotions.

It’s dangerous to bottle up negative emotions. So, let them out! And crying is a great way to a great feeling of relief.

You don’t have to cry to your ex. Just go home and cry if you feel like crying. Cry well enough till you feel ok.

#2. Learn your lessons.

Why did your lover break up with you?

What went wrong?

What did you miss?

What was your fault?

Were there red flags you failed to spot?

What was your role in the whole thing?

What would you have to change about yourself?

Do you need to be more patient?

Do you have to work on your attitudes?

Learn your lessons well!

A bad relationship should make you a better person. It should prepare you for a better and a more stimulating relationship.

#3. Give it a positive meaning.

Why did it happen?

Is God punishing you or He has a better plan for you? Your reason will determine your feeling.

You see, there are no real meanings to life events except the ones you give to them. And positive meanings would keep you at peace in the midst of turbulence.

Let’s just say:

Your ex wasn’t right for you

He/she wasn’t meant for you

God saved you from a great future danger.

God has a better person for you.

God prevented you from having a bad marriage.

Whatever your reasons are, make them positive.

#4. Take out his/her contacts and everything that could bring up past memories.

Take your ex out of your life as reasonably as you can. For me, I don’t have to go through this stage because I’d need such people to see how well I’m doing without them. I’ve grown so much that hurts don’t have the good parts of me.

But in case you’re not like me, you should delete your ex’s phone numbers and block/delete them on social media platforms. Just take out all contacts. Take out everything that could bring you memories – gifts, flowers, clothes etc. till you’re back to your normal emotional state. This could take some time, so, take it slowly.

You need a life without your ex. You should make it so.

#5. Talk to someone.

Get a trusted friend to pour out your heart to – someone you’d be able to tell exactly how you feel. Talking to someone would ease your spirit. And getting someone you care about to hold your hands, hug or cuddle you would make you feel great. Body contact with someone you care about would make you feel loved. And this effect would override the stress hormone that makes you feel depressed.

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#6. Get busy.

Time, they say heal all hurts. Well, that’s largely true. And as I said earlier, you can determine how much time it would take to heal up.

You need to get busy with other important and productive things – you can start writing a book. Start a blog. Take a driving course. Start something very challenging, like learning a special language. Do a research on something you want to know. Start a community project, or you go help the poor.

Just get positively busy. It shifts your attention from your ex and helps you focus on something rewarding.

#7. Make new friends.

Making new friends is one way to let go of the old ones, especially the bad ones.

The secret is to be interested in things and people. When you care about people, they naturally develop interest in you. And you learn very fast when you become interested in things.

Attend special events. Go for seminars and conferences. Attend social and religious meetings.

In all; you should learn, have fun and make friends.

#8. Get going.

What’s next? Move on with your life!

The mistake most people make is to think their happiness resides in others. Your happiness resides in you, actually. And nobody can make you sad unless you allow it. Don’t kill yourself for an ex who has moved on. Don’t stop your life for someone who doesn’t give a damn about your feelings.

Love is worth fighting for. But definitely should not be one sided.

Just open up your mind and let love find you again.

You will love again, trust me.

Speak your mind: Have you had a break up? How did you cope? Share your experience!

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